cynicism and fear.
just read someone's blog. i so agree with her. sometimes people are cynical about e things around them. believing that this would not happen, that would not come true. is it pure cynicism? or just fear?
fear of disappointment when it really didnt happen. fear of placing too much hope and then just letting someone crush it instead. fear that e care and concern wouldnt be reciprocated. fear that all the thoughts that you are showering to whoever would be treated as nothing but nuisance.
which is why for some period of time i was afraid to say who i was close to. im scared that if i did and the other person got wind of it, they might just throw back stuff like "is it? but i dont think i am very close to her." and i'll b hurt somehow. i tried to make myself not care about certain things around me. but it doesnt work out the way i want them to. humans are sorta masochists i guess. the more you want to stop something by avoiding it altogether, the more you'll think about and want to do precisely that.
cynical? i definitely am. but it's all because of fear. and im tired. of trying and not getting anything out of it except disappointment and sadness. i hate it but i have to make myself not expect anything.
but i can still be hurt.
